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"Work It" (ACDC Remix) Nelly Ft. JT |
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This is going to be my most honest entry.
The true me.
I know through the months i've changed. Some say for the better; most for the worse. They may not say it directly, but I know what they're thinking. Probably that i'm just some psycho bitch. Obsessed with Gabe. It really wasn't like that at all. It was being obsessed with being loved. He gave me that. He gave me it all. Oh, except his address. Which was like some big secret. This time, i'm not going to regret typing this.
You made me feel like shit, and now it's your turn. So, stop reading this now, if you don't want to hear it.
I love Gabe. He knows what I hate, and he knows what I like. With all that though, he doesn't know how I feel, because he never, ever gives me the chance. Not even tonight. Always the three easiest words "I'm gonna go". Just so he can get out of a situation. What makes him different from ever other guy? The way he would tell me he loves me..and how he'd call me babe..and he'd sing to me. Everything is perfect when we're together. When we're not though, when he breaks up with ME he's an ass. A complete ass. Who doesn't give two shits about how I feel, but it's okay, because there are always people telling him "oh gabe, you're so hot, I love you" or he always has people talking to him. Why? Because he's Gabe. As long as he has someone there for him, to talk to, he's fine. I don't feel like I did anything wrong in our relationship, and if I did, the only thing was that I cared too much. Yes guys, it is possible. When you think that someone feels the same for you, you give it your all. Wishing, hoping, and dreaming. Don't ever believe a guy when he tells you that you have a future. Why? Because once he finds something he doesn't like, it's over. Now, i'm not trying to be a hypocrite here, but it just seems completely right. The break-up was so he could be "alone". ...Then you can talk to Erin every night and be completely oblivious to the fact i'm sitting by the phone crying just fucking WISHING YOU'D CALL ME? SITTING HERE ACTUALLY GIVING TWO FUCKING SHITS ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU DON'T CARE. WASTING MY TEARS ON YOU. What a waste of crying. Over a guy. You made me feel like shit..like I was nothing..and the only thing you have to back yourself up is shit from the past..that's all you have. Gabe, being "alone" doesn't involve other people. I know you hate it when I say "grow up" but look how you were during the whole break-up.."it's my way of getting over things" being a complete dick to me? Take a look at how you were to me, you probably don't feel like shit. I'm through wasting my time begging for you to have a better life. Conceited much? No, it's called me caring so much about you, and loving you so much. I gave you that..jesus christ. DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT THE WAY YOU ACTED TOWARDS ME? DO YOU EVEN THINK TWICE? Do you care you made me cry? If you never want to talk to me after reading this--then that's your choice, but i'm so sick of being scared to tell you how I really feel, in fear of you being able to hang up on me. You missed out on a really great person. I would've been there for you, through everything..I would've gave you all I had. Doesn't it piss you off how you can't say I never cared? I FUCKING HATE HOW YOU HATE MEGHAN AND STEVE JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE MY FRIENDS AND CARE ABOUT ME Steve doesn't even fucking hate you..yet you still hate him, even when he's helped through everything. Why? Because you are so fucking self-centered. And Meghan. Jesus christ, she's been there for me through everything, FUCKING EVERYTHING. You hate her, because they turn their backs on you everytime you'd hurt me and make me cry. They knew how much I cared about you..yet they still liked you..even when you were a complete asshole to them. There was even a point I chose you, over them. I'm so fucking stupid. I fell into your little trap. Your mind games. You love this. You love it all. You love the attention. You love showing people. You love everything, but yourself. Until you start to love yourself, you are incapable of loving others. Start caring about what other people feel because not everytime is everything going to be ok, like you say. It doesn't always work that way. You made me want to kill myself, to escape the pain I felt. The pain you made me feel. You're 18. What are you going to do with your life. You are surrounded by people who care about you, but you don't give two shits. I know after reading this, you still won't fucking care. You'll probably laugh, which is pathetic, because you know it's all true. It's like i'm telling your stupid life-story right here in my journal. I sat there crying to you on the phone, CRYING. You still were a complete ass. I fear for your future, because one day you'll find a girl, and you'll care about her as much as I did for you, and I hope she does the same. I hope she makes you feel like shit. I don't care about Bri. I don't give a shit how you acted towards her, and don't ever, and I mean EVER fucking compare me to her. You lost the best thing you could've ever had..you'll realize how stupid you were. I was so willing to accept everything Gabe..everything was going to be fine..I was going to wait out this "alone" thing, but treating me like shit through it all? FUCK NO. I know better than that. I've known better through it all. Yet, I still let you do it, have the pleasure of doing it. This doesn't effect you because even though you won't have me, you'll always have others. One day though Gabe, they won't be there for you, and I would've been. I would've been there for you through it all. When I say this next line, you'd hit me back with "look what you just said ..you don't love me" but that's also complete bullshit. I DO LOVE YOU. I still do. You were my life. You were what I looked forward to, every single day. ..but you did this to me. Treated me like shit..put me down, and didn't attempt to bring me up through it all. You just kept going and going and going...giving me the attitude, TELLING ME YOU DIDN'T CARE. That's what this all is. You don't care. You not caring, means you don't care about me. If you don't care about me, why am I wasting my time, caring about someone who doesn't obviously feel the same. A liar. You don't know what love is Gabe. You don't. If you did, you wouldn't of put me through this. I know who loves me. My friends are there for me, through everything. When I fuck up, they are there. When i'm down they're there. The minute I fuck up with you, it's seeya Rach. The minute i'm down it's "stop crying". People deal with things in different ways, and you have no clue..the way I feel. You've taught me things though. Like never chose a boyfriend over friends. And..trust me, I know this whole thing has been negative, but there were things I loved about us. You sang to me, "silent night", ..everything. And yeah Gabe, those things were great. I never wanted to give them up, but you did this to me. You did it. No one else. Maybe someday..down the line, it will be capable for us to be friends, but not now. Not now at all. You hurt me so much. The pain is un-bearing. You wouldn't even let me send you your Valentine's Day present. How low is that? I got you something for Valentine's Day, but you wouldn't even give me your address. Why did I waste my time? There are guys that are so caring towards me..that would not do this to me..so why did I put up with it? I was in love with you, and love makes you do crazy things. I have my friends now. My friends to keep my head up, my friends to tell me im beautiful, my friends to be there for me--when i'm crying--and tell me it's ok to cry, and still listen. Something you never did. Finally I can skip the sleeping pills, and sleep tonight, with no worries, no tears, and freedom. Freedom to find someone who will care for me, and love me the way i'll love them. No more begging Gabe, now you can live your life the way you wanted to, because i'm out of it. No more calling..nothing. The phone won't be next to my bed tonight, or tomorrow, or ever again. I won't bring it with me in the bathroom, and my heart won't race everytime the phone rings now. Thank you Gabe. Thank you for showing me that you are just like every other guy.
allxthexfishes: i know when you hear that, it doesn't mean much. believe me, i know that. but...it's so true. he's losing you, and he doesn't know it yet, but one day he'll look back on it and realize that he lost so much.
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